Difference between revisions of "Mormon jokes"

Revision as of 10:19, 5 August 2007

Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gates and takes him on a tour. They enter a long hall with doors lining either side of it.

Saint Peter opens the first door they come to they see the Hindus reading the Rigveda. The next door they open they see the Buddists reading the The Diamond Sutra. In the next room contains people of various Islamic faiths reading the Qur'an, and the next has Catholics reading the Bible.

Then they pass a door that Peter doesn't open. This rouses the man's curiosity and he asks, "Who is in that room, sir?"

"Well," Peter replies, "that is the room with the Mormons. Don't go in there; they think they are the only ones in heaven."

Home Teaching

A father was concerned that his family had received only ten of the monthly home teaching visits the previous year. He called one of his home teachers and said, "I love you brother, but how come you skipped some visits?" The home teacher kindly replied, "You don't expect us to come on Halloween and New Year's Eve do you?"

The Second Coming

A friend of another faith made a phone call to his spiritual leader in Europe:
"I have good news and bads news. The good news is that Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has returned to the Earth."
"My son, what possibly could be the bad news?"
"I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

During the Vietnam War, a group of soldiers were ambushed. Fire was exchanged and during it all, a young LDS soldier was hit in the chest. The others had no choice but to retreat, leaving their friend's body in the tall grass.

Later that night, back at the camp, they saw a figure moving towards them. One of the soldiers yelled out, "Who goes there?" Out of the shadows stumbled the LDS soldier. The group stood in disbelief, wanting to know how he survived.

The LDS soldier reached into his jacket and pulled out a pocket version Book of Mormon with a bullet lodged in it. Holding it high in the air he exclaimed, "Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets through Second Nephi!"

A Bishop was holding a leadership meeting. A baby in the nearby nursery was crying, making it difficult for the Bishop to conduct the meeting. He excused himself and left the room. After a couple of minutes he returned and continued the meeting -- not a sound was heard from the baby. At the end of the meeting, one ward member asked him how he got the baby to be quiet. "Simple", said the Bishop. "I ordained him a High Priest and he went right to sleep."

Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?

A: Because thirty-six is just too many.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Kleptomaniac and a Mormon?

A: A basement full of stolen food.

An LDS child needed to bring an old shirt from home for a school project about drug prevention. The mother was busy and handed her child an old T-shirt without examining it. Later, she was appalled to see her child wearing the T-shirt through the mall. On the front it said, "A Family is Forever." On the back: "Be Smart, Don't Start."

One busy Saturday as I was leaving for work and my husband was leaving for the temple, our 11-year-old asked who was going to fix breakfast. We told him that his 15-year-old brother would. He replied, "Would this be a good time to use my 72-hour kit?"

Missionary Advice: "When a big mean, dog attacks you, Elder, just remember, you don't have to run faster than the dog, ... you just have to outrun your companion."

When the MTC was built in Provo, beautiful green athletic fields were planted so the missionaries would have a place to exercise. However, they were so inviting that BYU students were attracted there, and you would see BYU students out playing touch football, throwing Frisbees, etc., on the missionaries' field. To deal with this problem, a large banner was posted, which read "Missionaries Only."

The next day, BYU students were out on the field, playing touch football and throwing Frisbees. They had posted a new banner which read, "Every member a missionary."

(A true story) It was a hot afternoon when the air conditioning went out in the Tabernacle during General Conference. President Hinckley stood up to address the sweating congregation and said, "It's warm. We're sorry. But it's not as warm as it's going to get if you don't repent!"

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? It depends!

If it is the Relief Society it takes four. One to fix refreshments. One to bring the tablecloth. One to design the Center Piece, And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Bishopric, forget it, they don't do light bulbs. They call a Priesthood Executive Council And delegate it to the Elders.

If it is the Elders it takes four. Three that don't show up, and One to change the bulb.

If it is the High Priests it takes four. Two to push the wheel chairs. One to handle the oxygen tank, And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two, But you have to wait until the end of the month.

Joe: My home teacher is so good he comes on the first day of every month!

Henry: Oh Yeah? My home teacher is so good he comes the day before that!

Bride on her wedding day: "Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!" Mother: "Yes, but at which end?"

Many of the gentile persuasion in the Salt Lake City area have taken to calling members of "the" church "Mo's". OK, the truth is that being called a Mo isn't so bad. While it's not exactly a term of endearment, Mo beats some of the other things I've been called--lots of them by fellow Mo's. To ease the tension between Mos and gentiles, I've come up with a brief Mo Lexicon.

Practice these terms, learn to be comfortable with your Moism.

MO - Mormon

NO MO - Non-Mormon

NO MO' MO - Ex-Mormon

MO NOPOLY - Utah

MO TOWN - Provo

MO PEDS - People walking across the street to Temple Square or the MTC in Provo.

MO HAIR - Missionary standards haircut.

PO MO - A financially challenged Mormon

MO LASSES - Mormon Babes!!

MO TEL - Bishop's interview, tithing settlement, church court, etc.

SU MO - Grad of BYU Law School

MO GUL - Large white Utah bird frequently seen in Church history books, parking lots and dumps.

MO RALLY - Third quarter BYU drive against the U of U.

MO SEY - LDS sense of time. See also LOCO MO TION.

LOCO MO TION - Post-game exodus from Cougar Stadium.

MO NOGOMY - LDS marriage practices.

MO TIF - Two or more Mormons engaged in a heated difference of opinion.

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General Conf./Lake Powell Vacation Packages

Already-Filled-To-Overwhelming Daytimers

Catalogue of Scout Cheers Everyone Will Be Proud Of

The Relief Society’s One and Only True Casserole Cook Book

High Councilman Smelling Salts

Disposable Library Supplies

Chalk and Eraser Key Chains

Ward Basketball Boomerang Folding Chairs

Sacrament-Meeting-Look-Wide-Awake-Eyelid-Covers

End Of The Month Home/Visiting Teaching Emergency Services

Fast Sunday Seven Course Meal Chewing Gum

CTR Ring-Shaped Swimming Pools

Basketball Referee Boot Camps

Triple Combination TV/CellPhone/Soda Scripture Bags

Never-Fail Sabbath Day Shopping Disguises

Young Men/Young Women’s Bathroom Detector Security Cameras

Life-Size Primary Teacher Substitute Cardboard Figures

Anti-Infectious/Waterproof Nursery Leader Uniforms (mask and gloves included)

One-Line-Fits-All Adam and Eve Pedigree Charts

Genealogy

Actual requests received by the Family History Department of the LDS Church. These are extracts from REAL letters:

I would like to find out if I have any living relatives or dead relatives or ancestors in my family.

He and his daughter are listed as not being born.

My Grandfather died at the age of 3.

We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope.

The wife of #22 could not be found. Somebody suggested that she might have been stillborn - what do you think?

I am mailing you my aunt and uncle and 3 of their children.

Enclosed please find my Grandmother. I have worked on her for 30 years without success.

Now see what you can do. This family had 7 nephews that I am unable to find. If you know who they are, please add them to the list.

We lost our Grandmother, will you please send us a copy?

A 14-year-old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do my research for me. Will you please send me all of the material on the Welch line, in the US, England and Scotland countries? I will do the research."

Will you please send me the name of my first wife? I have forgotten her name.

Statements Made in Sacrament Meeting & Ward Newsletters

Our opening song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Homemaking this week will meet at 7 p.m. The topic is weight management. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

Sister Jones will be leading the weight management Homemaking Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

This morning we are happy to announce the birth of David Alan Smith, the sin of Brother and Sister Julius Smith.

This afternoon there will be baptisms in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

On a fast Sunday the opening song was listed as "Because We Have Been Given Mush.

Anyone wishing to donate money to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The Relief Society has cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Eight new choir dresses are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

At the fireside tonight, the topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

During the absence of our bishop, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good talk when Bro. Adams supplied our pulpit.

Bishop Smith spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

Some of the youth are in the high school presentation Shakespeare's Hamlet Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Girls Camp will be hell the week of May 10.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Laman: To usurp the authority of his older brother chickens and to take possession of their coop.

Brigham Young: Because this is the right place in the road.

Thomas: I don't really believe the chicken crossed the road.

Noah: Are you sure there weren't two chickens?

Lilburn W Boggs: I don't care which side of the road the chicken's on, you have permission to kill it.

Elder's Quorum President: It was the 31st and he had to get his Home Teaching done.

Relief Society President: That's where the refreshments were.

The Doctrine and Covenants: "The duty of a chicken is to cross the road when there is no other poultry present."

Mark Hoffman: Would you like to buy the chicken's original diary documenting his crossing of the road?

Lamoni's servants: We don't know why it crossed the road; all we know is it's wings had been cut off.

Martin Harris: I have never denied seeing the chicken cross the road.

Temple Square Guide: The acoustics are so good you can hear the chicken cross the road from any seat in the Tabernacle.

President Merrill J Bateman: I'm not so much concerned that the chicken crossed the road but that its feathers were not knee-length.

Gerald Lund: Not only did this chicken cross the road, but his whole family crossed the road as well. The grand, panoramic story of this chicken's family will be told in my soon-to-be-released 36 volume set "The Cluck and the Glory."

Nephi: It is better for a chicken to cross the road than a nation dwindle in unbelief.

Lorenzo Snow: As the egg is, the chicken once was; as the chicken is, the egg may become.

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Basic Visit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $10

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Birthday and anniversary cards in addition to the Basic Visit and Spiritual Message. . . . . . $20

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PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.

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Ward Council Meeting $30

Ward Council Meeting w/ written report $50

Presidency Meetings $20

PEC $25

Sacrament Meeting $20

Sunday School $20

Priesthood $20

3-hour Sunday Block (best value) $50

PLEASE NOTE: Surcharge of 10% for stake meetings

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PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.

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Basic Lesson (40 minutes) $25

Deluxe (Basic + visual aides) $35

Super Deluxe (Deluxe + Handouts) $45

• Due to high expectations, centerpieces and floral arrangements, Relief Society lessons are slightly higher. Call for quote.

• Due to lower expectations, priesthood lessons receive a 10% discount.

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PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.

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If you just can't possibly throw together food for various Ward occasions,

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Punctuality impaired Mormons. A joke of Mormon standard time is a phrase often used by members of the church for being two hours late.

Mormons and Non-Mormons

All the major religions of the world were meeting in a large building. All of a sudden a fire broke out, the Jews started jumping up and down and praying, the Catholics started crying and asking what they had done wrong? The Mormons showed up 2 hours late and missed the whole thing.

A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, "You are a man of the cloth... this is a free service that I offer to you." The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest.

The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again the barber refused payment saying, "You are a man of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi.

The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, "You work in the service of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep.

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion. The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David." The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Thomas and I am Catholic and this is the Crucifix." The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name is Johnny and I am Mormon and this is a casserole."

Many years ago in a foreign country, the local minister decided that all the Mormons had to leave the city. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Mormon community. So, the minister made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Mormon community. If the Mormon won, the Mormons could stay. If the minister won, the Mormons would leave.

Realizing they had no choice, the Mormons picked a young missionary from Idaho named Heber, to represent them.

Not able to speak the language very well, Heber asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side could talk. The minister agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Heber and the minister sat opposite each other for a full minute before the minister raised his hand and showed three fingers. Heber looked back at him and raised one finger.

The minister waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Heber pointed to the ground where he sat.

The minister pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Heber pulled out an apple.

The minister stood up and said, "I give up! This man is too good! The Mormons can stay."

Afterwards, the church council, gathered around the minister, asking him to explain what had happened. The minister said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile the Mormon community and all the missionaries had crowded around Heber. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Heber, "First he said to me that the Mormons had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. He told me that his whole city would be cleared of Mormons. I let him know we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Heber, "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

A Mormon bishop and a catholic bishop were seated next to each other on an airplane. As the Catholic bishop ordered a glass of wine with his in-flight meal, he turned to the Mormon bishop and asked, "Is it true that you Mormons still don't drink alcohol?"

"Yes, that's right," answered the Mormon.

"But have you ever tried it?"

"Actually, yes, once when I was young and foolish I gave into temptation and tried alcohol," he admitted. After a moment he turned back to his neighbor. "Is it true that you Catholic bishops still practice celibacy?"

"Yes, that's still very much a part of our faith," answered the Catholic.

"Have you ever compromised that vow?"

"Well, yes, there was one time that I submitted to the temptations of the flesh."

After another pause, the Mormon asked, "It's a lot better than wine, isn't it?"